What's the 'Boy' Like?

Even thought I know that hardly anyone is reading this, I still feel like I'm behind in my beautiful BDSM life chronicling journal. So, as a follow up to the last post about online dating profile advice, I'm inspired to talk about my current "boy" (seems to be the term du jour).   This is relevant because for every person I've heard complaining about being single in New York, I've heard at least two love success stories that end in marriage or a serious commitment.  

We'll call him West Village.  He's a little younger, so adorable, so sexy, and has the body of an underwear model.  He's tan and hairless (which I don't like to admit that I like), speaks multiple languages, plays guitar. 

We went to Brazil in the winter (which was their summer) and I got some sexy photos of us on the beach.  My favorite became my screen shot and contact photo which would come up whenever he calls or texts.  He has equally incriminating photos of me in some pieces of neon-colored floss that were strategically and artistically placed.   

My friends and I were out once without him and a friend who doesn't come out often was there and saw my phone displaying my new boyfriend.  She's a bit of a homebody and always has to be home by midnight even she doesn't have to get up early the next day.  We'll call her Party Pooper.

"Is he a model"? 

Party Pooper asks in a dismissive tone.  Because he did look like could one of these Abercrombie models - blond, blue eyed, maybe he was a rower in college.

"No, he's not a model."

"Is he your personal trainer?  He looks like a douche." 

NYU Prof comments with his usual snark.  Now, I started to feel a little defensive and wanted to tell these over-educated, under-employed friends to stop being such elitists.

I said to both of them, "No, he's not a model or a personal trainer.  He's doctor.  He's doing the Pediatric Neuro-Oncology Fellowship, so he cures brain cancer in little kids.    So... you can just fuck the up."  I felt smug and I liked it. 

Despite being the type of person who would do medicine, I didn't often see alpha-male tendencies (or other negative behavior) and we got along splendidly.  Schedules were complicated since there were times when he'd do overnight shifts for two weeks but since I freelance, we would often meet for breakfast or cook breakfast and "nap".  Sometimes, I'd work at his place while he slept during the day.  

I have a beautiful photo of him but want to make sure it's in good judgement to post here.  If not, you will just have your imagination. Or gay men can submit their photos and I'll put up the nicest one as his proxy ? Think of the bragging rights alone!

How to Attract a Dominant Woman v.1

A few people have asked me how to attract a dominant woman and I found these suggestions, which I think are a good start. (I have a feeling I may want to add to these later). 

I especially agree that a (close-up, face) photo is the most important factor that distinguishes one potential submissive from another.  People who are willing to post a photo will get attention immediately; sending a photo in the first message is a close second.  According to this post, you should assume women are older and men are shorter than they say.  Also, both are probably less professionally accomplished.  I went out with someone who had a "successful career in commercial real estate".  I quickly discovered that he had just started out as a real estate agent and was not signed with a sponsoring company yet, and at 36 being an "intern" was a bit of an exaggeration when trying to pass himself off as the next Donald Trump.  

We ultimately didn't work out because he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and kept trying to text me late at night for hook-ups and I tired of his incessant pleas.  I should have seen this coming from all the sex parties he used to go to (for free, because he knew the people throwing them).  Maybe the persistent attitude worked when the women were lushed and the men were bi-curious, but if I contact you to date, understand that a "date" does not start at midnight on a Tuesday after your fourth beer at the pub.

Which brings me to the second point:  Do not beg!  It is not attractive and unless someone says she wants a begging worm, it won't work.  

Present yourself, indicate sincere interest, point out some wrong assumptions (if she has any about your "type"- too young, too old, etc) but if someone does not choose you, it does no good to bother her.  She has probably already blocked you and your emails are going straight into oblivion.  Hopefully, it makes you feel better to tell her off but then I wonder how good you are as a submissive if you can't manage the smallest amount of discipline.   Show some effort in your initial message, be positive and try to find specific things in her profile to start a conversation in order to engage her and get her to respond to your message.  

Without revealing any identities, I will profile two messages from people who contacted me and analyse why one was successful and one was not, not as an attempt to embarrass anyone, but as a way to show people in a side by side comparison how to be more successful when contacting women online (in general, not just dominant women).

Stay tuned...

What Age Range is Acceptable for a Woman?

I came across a good blog post that Ferns, a dominant woman in her 40s, wrote about the age range she'd accept in a relationship.  I thought it was interesting since she said the men in her life have been 5-6 years younger (with some exceptions of much younger and much older) and that's been true with me as well, I started thinking about how our constructed ideas of age are related to our ideas of who is dominant in a relationship more than who is male.

Most heterosexual couples tend to be male dominant/female submissive, even if the people don't identify in those terms.  And, most of the time, the men are older - sometimes only by a few years, especially if they met when they were in high school or college but the average difference in the US for first marriages is 4 years.  Also, I've noticed that most women in their 30s don't like to date (much) younger men, possibly because older men generally can offer more financial stability and many women in their 30s are hoping to settle down and start a family pretty quickly.

I have also noticed from my observations in the BDSM community that there are much more older women/younger men in relationships than in the general public and the woman was the dominant in all the couples I've met.  I think one of the reasons that vanilla men and dominant women prefer (or are more open to) younger partners is that the older partner often is wiser, more experienced, more established in their careers and generally better suited to "lead" the relationship.  That might be why vanilla men prefer younger wives - more easily controlled because they are more dependent financially. I've also noticed much larger age gaps among male doms but I think it's because men are just more superficial.  If I were 50 and could get an 18 year old, I might, too!  ;)

I didn't feel superior to my previous ex-boyfriends even though they were younger but I'm atypical in some of my life choices that make me more similar to someone in her late 20s.  I also look much younger, which is why a lot of younger men approach me, thinking I'm around their age.  Despite this (or maybe because of this?), men over 40 often feel challenged by me and want to challenge my authority one person (let's call him Wine Collector) was absolutely wrong about a wine, refused to acknowledge it even in the face of contradictory proof, then emailed me sheepishly the next day about his "dissonance" and "male ego").  Men my age and younger tend to be much more open with me about their lack of knowledge or understanding about something and I suspect this has to do with increasing feminism in our culture.

I did find that my experience dating older (40+) men to be worse, since the older they were, the more rigid in their thinking they tended to be. Perhaps 15 years was enough to make a difference but among vanilla or slightly submissive men, someone in his early thirties is much more willing to give up control and authority compared to someone in his mid to late 40s.  I still find older men attractive, especially if they stay fit, eat well, and use sunscreen liberally, but I'm a little more hesitant to give them a chance if they haven't had real-life D/s experience.

Kinky "Sugar Babies", Pro-Dommes and Fin-Dommes

"BDSM is expensive and a lot of of girls I've met online want you to finance their clothes and equipment"

One of the polarizing issues among female dominants is the idea of "spoiling" with gifts or tributes.  What I've noticed is that sometimes a fee is stated as such, while other times it's concealed in more flowery language which have taken on a new meaning (tribute in the BDSM sense is financial compensation in the form of an offering but with an expectation of play).  Essentially tribute = fee for BDSM services.

Pro-Dommes don't have a problem with "gifts"  but have adopted other mechanisms for tribute, payment or barter to have more control over the payments system.  I know someone who contracted a hand-designed metal bed with a secret slave chamber that cost $10,000 to be paid for by a client-slave.  Another pro, who lives in New York City and doesn't own a car, used to exchange a certain number of airport pick-ups for a session.

Sometimes the demands for the gifts and orders to "spoil me" (tributes, cash, gift card, bank wire) come from "amateurs" or women who claim not to offer professional BDSM services.  A male submissive friend (not MY sub, and not a play partner) commented that a lot of the women he met in New York were "just in it for the gifts" and this was my reply:

I have two points to make about that:  The first and more obvious one is that if you are the sub (and bottom in certain scenes), you should be buying the equipment because it's going to be used on (and in) you.  And I'm sure you two are discussing a Purple Passion or Amazon leather crop or other personal toy and not a custom-made, adult-sized teak cage with storage that slides under the bed.  My point is, yes, it's expensive for people in their 20s to finance this hobby, compared to other things they do with the same frequency, but it's yours and unless you're sharing fluids, you should have your own toy bag that you use only on you and/or your safe partners.

The second point is really just personal preference about what two people decide.  I don't follow gender lines and support the sexist belief that men should always pay.  But the truth of the matter is, men usually do and when men pay for their dates, it's not the woman manipulating to get free dinners (although sometimes it is, and I remember reading about "Dinner Whores" in the New York Times or something once).  It's just a part of dating, just like paying for a toy or an outfit is a part of someone's BDSM relationship.  

I did advise this friend that if he didn't want to pay for something, then don't.  I'm sure lots of men have stories of being scammed but not all women who ask for, expect or receive a gift are insincere about pursuing BDSM. Some might be, but if we're going to generalize, there are probably men who say they want a serious relationship (or slavery) but only want casual sex (or play).  

As long as it's communicated clearly beforehand and both parties agree to it, I don't have a problem with women who want their subs to finance their wardrobe and toys.  In equal measure, I don't mind it when male dominants expect their subs to finance things, either, although it's much less common.

I'm not into Financial Domination although I know it sounds like I'm defending here.  I don't mind FinDomme but I don't understand it well to get it as a "kink".  I also question of the veracity of the stories of commercial FinDomme since they seemed to be written for a fantasy audience.  I'm both extremely intrigued and sort of revolted by it at the same time, which I'll write more about later when it's not so late.

What A Week

Let's see:

• The Boston bombing, the arrest, the non-arrest, the arrest again, the "journalism" from both CNN and New York Post

• The fertilizer plant explosion

• The ricin-laced letters

• The Gosnell trial (and the liberal bias that's not covering it)

• The gun bill is blocked

• Another rape in India

• Human-to-human transmission of the H7N9 avian flu  

• Four 6.6M earthquakes this week.

And Kim Jong-un wants to know, "Why isn't anyone talking about me?"

I'm happy this emotionally exhausting week is over and I can take a break by going out for a happy hour girl's night with my two best friends, TallBlonde and WallStreetGal.  We always get a lot of male attention when we're out together especially since we go to places that are frequented by younger (mostly single) people, we dress up and we look like we're fun, because we are.  But also being in a group also keeps guys from approaching us since we're not man-hunting but out to spend time with each other.  

TallBlonde is in a relationship so she isn't particularly chatty with any of the guys but WallStreetGal goes between "actively looking", "depressed at the quality of guys out there" and "oh, I met a guy!" so it's always an interesting night of cute-boy-watching. 

I'm heading home to get a short workout in before going out and think about strength training which I hate doing, but know I should do, or yoga, which I will probably up doing.  

We're going to Employees Only, which has a good mix of people at tables and a bar crowd, with good food and interesting drinks.  After this week, I could really use a drink to unwind.

A Little About Me

First, before I am denounced as a fraud, I want to say that the photo in my profile is not of me.  (Edit: I will add one later hidden in my posts for people who are actual readers).

I wanted to have a photo in my profile instead of the cartoony head but didn't want to use an actual depiction.  I looked up some corset photos on the internet to use as a generic image, thinking I'd replace it later when I had a photo I liked.  I was browsing and came across a La Perla advertisement of a woman that was simple and elegant (the way I hope other see me...) and I love their lingerie, although it's too expensive for me to have more than a few pieces given as gifts.  Maybe I should set up an Amazon wishlist for you FinSubs out there!  Just kidding.  On second thought, I just had a birthday, so pony up.

This isn't my main photo on a dating site so I don't feel people should feel deceived but I wanted to come clean that I don't look like a fashion model in a national underwear ad.  I do, however, have dark hair and delicate features.  I tan easily, I'm tall-ish, thin-ish and men often tell me I'm pretty.  I also work really, really hard at yoga and pilates to have the arms of a much younger woman.   

Second, I titled this blog the amateur dominatrix although I think the term dominatrix is an outdated term, used predominantly (or only?) by women who are professional dominants providing a service to paying clients.  I wanted to quickly express the idea of a "dominant woman" in the BDSM sense, not just a strong, confident woman who likes to be in control - although I'm that, too.  I've been to a dungeon but it's never been work.  I don't consider myself an alpha-female. I don't compete with men to "assert" myself and I don't cougar.  (Is that even a verb?  What I mean is that I enjoy being sexually aggressive and I do like younger men but I don't date them exclusively and not in some token way).

I'm also a single woman in my thirties, dating in New York, which has its own stories, some of which I'll share with you.

Inspired by Dumb Domme

I only recently came across a fresh, well-written blog written by DumbDomme that I thought was amazing even though I had only read a few entries.  I was literally stunned, since I had previously only seen slick, professionally designed blogs or websites or of Pro Dommes who were as sexy and glamorous as 1940's movie stars.  Maybe later, I'll write about the femme fetales of movies and why I'm so drawn to them but for now, this is supposed to be an introduction to what I'm trying to do with this blog.  

I want to have an outlet to share my life as honestly as I can, especially the things that cause pain, frustration, joy, release, and ultimately, love.  I want to be open but do that, I have to be private about some things.  Specific things about my life and the people in it will be written about honestly, but enough details will be changed to protect the lives of people who didn't ask to be written about (and, sometimes details will be merged for dramatic effect).  ;)

I hate having to moderate comments but I like the idea of sharing our experiences, so I'm unsure how I'll handle that yet.  I think for now, while I'm learning the ropes of blogging, I welcome the comments of dominant woman or submissive men (and questions from strangers who pass through here - but I might not always reply).  I'm making too much out of this anyway, since my posts are going to be mostly very boring descriptions of my day and experiences without much opportunity for you to give advice on a BDSM topic.  And, I'm sorry to disappoint but this will be a dating blog, not a sex blog, and definitely not a kinky blog, so you won't find any wank material here.

But if I still keep your interest, please do come back for more!