Kinky "Sugar Babies", Pro-Dommes and Fin-Dommes

"BDSM is expensive and a lot of of girls I've met online want you to finance their clothes and equipment"

One of the polarizing issues among female dominants is the idea of "spoiling" with gifts or tributes.  What I've noticed is that sometimes a fee is stated as such, while other times it's concealed in more flowery language which have taken on a new meaning (tribute in the BDSM sense is financial compensation in the form of an offering but with an expectation of play).  Essentially tribute = fee for BDSM services.

Pro-Dommes don't have a problem with "gifts"  but have adopted other mechanisms for tribute, payment or barter to have more control over the payments system.  I know someone who contracted a hand-designed metal bed with a secret slave chamber that cost $10,000 to be paid for by a client-slave.  Another pro, who lives in New York City and doesn't own a car, used to exchange a certain number of airport pick-ups for a session.

Sometimes the demands for the gifts and orders to "spoil me" (tributes, cash, gift card, bank wire) come from "amateurs" or women who claim not to offer professional BDSM services.  A male submissive friend (not MY sub, and not a play partner) commented that a lot of the women he met in New York were "just in it for the gifts" and this was my reply:

I have two points to make about that:  The first and more obvious one is that if you are the sub (and bottom in certain scenes), you should be buying the equipment because it's going to be used on (and in) you.  And I'm sure you two are discussing a Purple Passion or Amazon leather crop or other personal toy and not a custom-made, adult-sized teak cage with storage that slides under the bed.  My point is, yes, it's expensive for people in their 20s to finance this hobby, compared to other things they do with the same frequency, but it's yours and unless you're sharing fluids, you should have your own toy bag that you use only on you and/or your safe partners.

The second point is really just personal preference about what two people decide.  I don't follow gender lines and support the sexist belief that men should always pay.  But the truth of the matter is, men usually do and when men pay for their dates, it's not the woman manipulating to get free dinners (although sometimes it is, and I remember reading about "Dinner Whores" in the New York Times or something once).  It's just a part of dating, just like paying for a toy or an outfit is a part of someone's BDSM relationship.  

I did advise this friend that if he didn't want to pay for something, then don't.  I'm sure lots of men have stories of being scammed but not all women who ask for, expect or receive a gift are insincere about pursuing BDSM. Some might be, but if we're going to generalize, there are probably men who say they want a serious relationship (or slavery) but only want casual sex (or play).  

As long as it's communicated clearly beforehand and both parties agree to it, I don't have a problem with women who want their subs to finance their wardrobe and toys.  In equal measure, I don't mind it when male dominants expect their subs to finance things, either, although it's much less common.

I'm not into Financial Domination although I know it sounds like I'm defending here.  I don't mind FinDomme but I don't understand it well to get it as a "kink".  I also question of the veracity of the stories of commercial FinDomme since they seemed to be written for a fantasy audience.  I'm both extremely intrigued and sort of revolted by it at the same time, which I'll write more about later when it's not so late.

A Little About Me

First, before I am denounced as a fraud, I want to say that the photo in my profile is not of me.  (Edit: I will add one later hidden in my posts for people who are actual readers).

I wanted to have a photo in my profile instead of the cartoony head but didn't want to use an actual depiction.  I looked up some corset photos on the internet to use as a generic image, thinking I'd replace it later when I had a photo I liked.  I was browsing and came across a La Perla advertisement of a woman that was simple and elegant (the way I hope other see me...) and I love their lingerie, although it's too expensive for me to have more than a few pieces given as gifts.  Maybe I should set up an Amazon wishlist for you FinSubs out there!  Just kidding.  On second thought, I just had a birthday, so pony up.

This isn't my main photo on a dating site so I don't feel people should feel deceived but I wanted to come clean that I don't look like a fashion model in a national underwear ad.  I do, however, have dark hair and delicate features.  I tan easily, I'm tall-ish, thin-ish and men often tell me I'm pretty.  I also work really, really hard at yoga and pilates to have the arms of a much younger woman.   

Second, I titled this blog the amateur dominatrix although I think the term dominatrix is an outdated term, used predominantly (or only?) by women who are professional dominants providing a service to paying clients.  I wanted to quickly express the idea of a "dominant woman" in the BDSM sense, not just a strong, confident woman who likes to be in control - although I'm that, too.  I've been to a dungeon but it's never been work.  I don't consider myself an alpha-female. I don't compete with men to "assert" myself and I don't cougar.  (Is that even a verb?  What I mean is that I enjoy being sexually aggressive and I do like younger men but I don't date them exclusively and not in some token way).

I'm also a single woman in my thirties, dating in New York, which has its own stories, some of which I'll share with you.

Inspired by Dumb Domme

I only recently came across a fresh, well-written blog written by DumbDomme that I thought was amazing even though I had only read a few entries.  I was literally stunned, since I had previously only seen slick, professionally designed blogs or websites or of Pro Dommes who were as sexy and glamorous as 1940's movie stars.  Maybe later, I'll write about the femme fetales of movies and why I'm so drawn to them but for now, this is supposed to be an introduction to what I'm trying to do with this blog.  

I want to have an outlet to share my life as honestly as I can, especially the things that cause pain, frustration, joy, release, and ultimately, love.  I want to be open but do that, I have to be private about some things.  Specific things about my life and the people in it will be written about honestly, but enough details will be changed to protect the lives of people who didn't ask to be written about (and, sometimes details will be merged for dramatic effect).  ;)

I hate having to moderate comments but I like the idea of sharing our experiences, so I'm unsure how I'll handle that yet.  I think for now, while I'm learning the ropes of blogging, I welcome the comments of dominant woman or submissive men (and questions from strangers who pass through here - but I might not always reply).  I'm making too much out of this anyway, since my posts are going to be mostly very boring descriptions of my day and experiences without much opportunity for you to give advice on a BDSM topic.  And, I'm sorry to disappoint but this will be a dating blog, not a sex blog, and definitely not a kinky blog, so you won't find any wank material here.

But if I still keep your interest, please do come back for more!