What's the 'Boy' Like?

Even thought I know that hardly anyone is reading this, I still feel like I'm behind in my beautiful BDSM life chronicling journal. So, as a follow up to the last post about online dating profile advice, I'm inspired to talk about my current "boy" (seems to be the term du jour).   This is relevant because for every person I've heard complaining about being single in New York, I've heard at least two love success stories that end in marriage or a serious commitment.  

We'll call him West Village.  He's a little younger, so adorable, so sexy, and has the body of an underwear model.  He's tan and hairless (which I don't like to admit that I like), speaks multiple languages, plays guitar. 

We went to Brazil in the winter (which was their summer) and I got some sexy photos of us on the beach.  My favorite became my screen shot and contact photo which would come up whenever he calls or texts.  He has equally incriminating photos of me in some pieces of neon-colored floss that were strategically and artistically placed.   

My friends and I were out once without him and a friend who doesn't come out often was there and saw my phone displaying my new boyfriend.  She's a bit of a homebody and always has to be home by midnight even she doesn't have to get up early the next day.  We'll call her Party Pooper.

"Is he a model"? 

Party Pooper asks in a dismissive tone.  Because he did look like could one of these Abercrombie models - blond, blue eyed, maybe he was a rower in college.

"No, he's not a model."

"Is he your personal trainer?  He looks like a douche." 

NYU Prof comments with his usual snark.  Now, I started to feel a little defensive and wanted to tell these over-educated, under-employed friends to stop being such elitists.

I said to both of them, "No, he's not a model or a personal trainer.  He's doctor.  He's doing the Pediatric Neuro-Oncology Fellowship, so he cures brain cancer in little kids.    So... you can just fuck the up."  I felt smug and I liked it. 

Despite being the type of person who would do medicine, I didn't often see alpha-male tendencies (or other negative behavior) and we got along splendidly.  Schedules were complicated since there were times when he'd do overnight shifts for two weeks but since I freelance, we would often meet for breakfast or cook breakfast and "nap".  Sometimes, I'd work at his place while he slept during the day.  

I have a beautiful photo of him but want to make sure it's in good judgement to post here.  If not, you will just have your imagination. Or gay men can submit their photos and I'll put up the nicest one as his proxy ? Think of the bragging rights alone!

How to Attract a Dominant Woman v.1

A few people have asked me how to attract a dominant woman and I found these suggestions, which I think are a good start. (I have a feeling I may want to add to these later). 

I especially agree that a (close-up, face) photo is the most important factor that distinguishes one potential submissive from another.  People who are willing to post a photo will get attention immediately; sending a photo in the first message is a close second.  According to this post, you should assume women are older and men are shorter than they say.  Also, both are probably less professionally accomplished.  I went out with someone who had a "successful career in commercial real estate".  I quickly discovered that he had just started out as a real estate agent and was not signed with a sponsoring company yet, and at 36 being an "intern" was a bit of an exaggeration when trying to pass himself off as the next Donald Trump.  

We ultimately didn't work out because he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and kept trying to text me late at night for hook-ups and I tired of his incessant pleas.  I should have seen this coming from all the sex parties he used to go to (for free, because he knew the people throwing them).  Maybe the persistent attitude worked when the women were lushed and the men were bi-curious, but if I contact you to date, understand that a "date" does not start at midnight on a Tuesday after your fourth beer at the pub.

Which brings me to the second point:  Do not beg!  It is not attractive and unless someone says she wants a begging worm, it won't work.  

Present yourself, indicate sincere interest, point out some wrong assumptions (if she has any about your "type"- too young, too old, etc) but if someone does not choose you, it does no good to bother her.  She has probably already blocked you and your emails are going straight into oblivion.  Hopefully, it makes you feel better to tell her off but then I wonder how good you are as a submissive if you can't manage the smallest amount of discipline.   Show some effort in your initial message, be positive and try to find specific things in her profile to start a conversation in order to engage her and get her to respond to your message.  

Without revealing any identities, I will profile two messages from people who contacted me and analyse why one was successful and one was not, not as an attempt to embarrass anyone, but as a way to show people in a side by side comparison how to be more successful when contacting women online (in general, not just dominant women).

Stay tuned...

What Age Range is Acceptable for a Woman?

I came across a good blog post that Ferns, a dominant woman in her 40s, wrote about the age range she'd accept in a relationship.  I thought it was interesting since she said the men in her life have been 5-6 years younger (with some exceptions of much younger and much older) and that's been true with me as well, I started thinking about how our constructed ideas of age are related to our ideas of who is dominant in a relationship more than who is male.

Most heterosexual couples tend to be male dominant/female submissive, even if the people don't identify in those terms.  And, most of the time, the men are older - sometimes only by a few years, especially if they met when they were in high school or college but the average difference in the US for first marriages is 4 years.  Also, I've noticed that most women in their 30s don't like to date (much) younger men, possibly because older men generally can offer more financial stability and many women in their 30s are hoping to settle down and start a family pretty quickly.

I have also noticed from my observations in the BDSM community that there are much more older women/younger men in relationships than in the general public and the woman was the dominant in all the couples I've met.  I think one of the reasons that vanilla men and dominant women prefer (or are more open to) younger partners is that the older partner often is wiser, more experienced, more established in their careers and generally better suited to "lead" the relationship.  That might be why vanilla men prefer younger wives - more easily controlled because they are more dependent financially. I've also noticed much larger age gaps among male doms but I think it's because men are just more superficial.  If I were 50 and could get an 18 year old, I might, too!  ;)

I didn't feel superior to my previous ex-boyfriends even though they were younger but I'm atypical in some of my life choices that make me more similar to someone in her late 20s.  I also look much younger, which is why a lot of younger men approach me, thinking I'm around their age.  Despite this (or maybe because of this?), men over 40 often feel challenged by me and want to challenge my authority one person (let's call him Wine Collector) was absolutely wrong about a wine, refused to acknowledge it even in the face of contradictory proof, then emailed me sheepishly the next day about his "dissonance" and "male ego").  Men my age and younger tend to be much more open with me about their lack of knowledge or understanding about something and I suspect this has to do with increasing feminism in our culture.

I did find that my experience dating older (40+) men to be worse, since the older they were, the more rigid in their thinking they tended to be. Perhaps 15 years was enough to make a difference but among vanilla or slightly submissive men, someone in his early thirties is much more willing to give up control and authority compared to someone in his mid to late 40s.  I still find older men attractive, especially if they stay fit, eat well, and use sunscreen liberally, but I'm a little more hesitant to give them a chance if they haven't had real-life D/s experience.